How caring are you towards your partner?

Take nine minutes to watch this interview on Youtube:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lUsjTtY6qHM&feature=youtu.be

Positive versus negative interactions

The inestimable Hedy and Yumi Scheifer give a little summary here of some of their work as renowned relationship therapists (once you get past their slightly hysterical interviewers). They talk about recent research which suggests that we should offer our partners not ten, not fifteen, not sixty, but one hundred caring behaviours per day. Now that may seem like a lot, but apparently this effort to think about what might make your other half happy is going on in the healthiest relationships that the researchers observed. I sometimes suggest to couples that they seem to have lost some generosity towards one another, and though this can be difficult to hear, it often strikes a chord. It may have disappeared gradually over time, lost in the mists of sleepless nights after children are born, financial pressures, and health concerns. It may have vanished the moment an affair was discovered, or during an explosive argument. We can explore in some depth how the generosity faded, and acknowledge the painful feelings that both halves of the couple are likely to have experienced, and we can then take some time to explore how they might rebuild some generosity of spirit. On this theme Hedy and Yumi state that the balance of positive interactions versus negative interactions should be 5:1 - so if we speak harshly to our partner or upset them in some way, if we can notice our behaviour we can then try to make amends by focussing on doing five things to make them happy.

The languages of love

Hedy and Yumi reference John Gottman, another highly experienced relationship therapist, and his languages of love. I often discuss this with couples that I see. John's research over many years has concluded that there are five languages of love: touch, words of affirmation, quality time, acts of service and gifts. He has also observed, as have I in my clinical practice, that couples generally don't speak the same language.  So while the cockles of A's heart are warmed when B makes his/her sandwiches for the lunchbox in the morning, B feels totally loved-up when A suggests cuddling on the sofa in front of a film. A's language is 'acts of service', while B's is 'touch'. It would be understandable for A to busy about cleaning B's shoes, and for B to keep trying to hug A, but this probably won't have the desired effect - much better to understand what our partner's language is, and try our best to offer them love in the way that really means something to them.

Daily rituals

Hedy and Yumi stress the importance of four transition times in our daily life: waking up, leaving the house, coming home and going to sleep. They believe our relationships will be improved if we pay close attention to our partners at these times, looking them in the eye and nurturing our connection.

Stepping up to the plate

When you really think about it, there's nothing too complicated here. All of us can take responsibility to try this stuff out, to make the effort to offer our partners some generosity, to put ourselves in their shoes and try to give them pleasure. We might be resentful, we might wish they would make the effort, we might like to punish them for past hurts, but despite this we could choose a different approach, and by making our partners happy, we might just find that we start to get more of what we like as well.

Can there be life after suicide?

I caught up with Angela Samata's affecting documentary Life After Suicide last night. She takes the time to explore the effect of suicide on family and friends, the help available for those who feel suicidal, and ongoing research into why one person might develop suicidal feelings when another doesn't. She's thoughtful, sensitive and honest, and brings together a rounded view of suicide that we don't often see.

Angela has a personal pull to the subject as her husband Mark took his own life eleven years ago, leaving her with two young sons. Mark's death was totally unexpected and left her baffled and traumatised. She explained how particularly difficult it is when someone dies by suicide, because of the stigma and shame attached. She found help from SOBS (Survivors of Bereavement by Suicide) http://uk-sobs.org.uk. People can attend SOBS groups and explore their feelings with other people who are going through a similar experience. I have had several clients who have found comfort and support through this organisation.

I was already aware of some of the statistics - that 4 out of 5 people who end their lives are male, and that suicide is the biggest killer of men under 50 - but I think they bear repeating here as they are stark and shocking. I didn't know that most don't leave a note, as was the case with Mark. Angela, and others in the programme, struggled with a need to understand why their loved ones had chosen to kill themselves. Which is where Prof Rory O'Connor of Glasgow University comes in. He sees suicide not as a selfish act, but an attempt to end unbearable pain. He's studied 2000 people who have made suicide attempts and is attempting to find answers about what causes people to end their lives.  He believes that in the majority of cases they will have developed 'constricted thinking', and this is likely to include feeling trapped, humiliated and defeated, emotions that seem to be a potentially toxic and lethal combination.  One questionnaire his interviewees complete probes their feelings of entrapment, requiring them to rate how applicable certain statements are to them: 'I feel trapped by my obligations', 'I am powerless to change things', 'I would just like to run away'. Angela commented that these were quite poignant declarations, and wondered if people were reluctant to take part - on the contrary, Rory explained, they tended to be glad to be asked, and relieved to be able to explore their feelings.

Angela also attended Maytree http://www.maytree.org.uk which describes itself as a sanctuary for the suicidal. Extraordinarily, considering the statistics above, there is only one such organisation in the country. I knew of its existence, but hearing Angela Rodriguez speak about the work they do was inspiring. People who are suicidal can stay for five days in this calm and simply furnished house, where the curtain poles are collapsible. It is agreed with each guest that staff will intervene if they make a suicide attempt. On the wall is a quote: 'Every day is a gift - that's why we call it the present'. Guests can sit together and talk, and Angela sees the power of suicidal people realising that they are not alone, and that other people feel as desperate as they do at times.

The programme also highlighted the work of Winston's Wish http://www.winstonswish.org.uk with bereaved children, and Samaritans http://www.samaritans.org. You don't have to be suicidal to call Samaritans - the volunteers are there to listen and to help you explore your feelings, without offering judgments or telling you what to do. If you are thinking of ending your life, they will listen without intervening.

I was very moved by the willingness of Angela, and many other participants in the programme, to share some extremely difficult feelings. Her own greatest fear is that her openness with her sons about how their father died might lead them to think it was an option for them if they found themselves overwhelmed or unhappy, and there was a touching segment where she expresses this concern to her younger son. Ultimately the message from Angela, and others in the programme, was the importance of talking about how we feel - 'You can rebuild your life if you can talk about it'.

If you or someone you know is struggling at the moment, or has been affected by suicide in some way, you might want to watch the programme: http://www.bbc.co.uk/iplayer/episode/b05n2922/life-after-suicide. You can search the Counselling Directory http://www.counselling-directory.org.uk/adv-search.html if you feel that you or someone you know might benefit from talking to a counsellor about their issues. People are often nervous at first, but in my experience they usually relax into the sessions, and do find that exploring how they're feeling helps them to find a way through.

Daring greatly - Brene Brown on shame

After a break I'm keen to get back to my Perspective posts. And I'm starting with this TED talk, which is well worth a listen. Brene calls shame 'the swampland of the soul' and tells us that shame requires three things to survive: secrecy, silence and judgment. We can combat it by finding empathy, for ourselves, and for others, and by 'daring greatly' - encouraging ourselves to get out there and have a go, with all the risks that entails. She says that shame tells us we're not good enough, and asks us Who do you think you are? And she draws a distinction between shame (feeling I'm a bad person) and guilt (feeling I've done a bad thing). How can we let ourselves be vulnerable, with the risk that allowing ourselves to be seen as we really are may cause us to feel shame? She encourages us to take the risk, because this is how we find creativity and freedom.