Hold Me Tight, one of the many useful books on couples therapy I’ve read, is
written by Dr Sue Johnson, a leading proponent of EFCT (Emotionally Focused
Couple Therapy). She believes that the way to enhance, or save, a relationship
is to re-establish a secure emotional attachment and preserve the bond between
you, and her book offers a wealth of practical and emotional guidance on how to increase connection with your partner.
Johnson believes that we’re much more dependent on our
partners these days, now that we live more in social isolation, and may not
have our extended families nearby. When we feel secure in our relationship, we
are less angry, more empowered, more able to be curious and open. If we begin
to feel that our partner is unavailable or unresponsive, we react with fear,
and in most cases we either become demanding and clingy, or we withdraw.
Seven conversations
Johnson teaches couples to have what she calls ARE (Accessibility, Responsiveness, Engagement) conversations, which are all about checking out whether your can reach your partner, and whether you can rely on them to respond to you emotionally. She identifies seven ARE conversations which can transform how a couple engage with each other. When I see a couple, I’ll be looking out for the negative cycles they get into, and Johnson’s first four conversations aim to help the couple limit these spirals. The fifth and sixth conversations focus on increasing emotional bonding, and the seventh shows couples how to sustain and build on their connection.
Johnson teaches couples to have what she calls ARE (Accessibility, Responsiveness, Engagement) conversations, which are all about checking out whether your can reach your partner, and whether you can rely on them to respond to you emotionally. She identifies seven ARE conversations which can transform how a couple engage with each other. When I see a couple, I’ll be looking out for the negative cycles they get into, and Johnson’s first four conversations aim to help the couple limit these spirals. The fifth and sixth conversations focus on increasing emotional bonding, and the seventh shows couples how to sustain and build on their connection.
Limiting negative spirals
1 Demon Dialogues
Couples are encouraged to stay in the present and notice the
circle of criticism they’re engaged in. The theme is probably one of the
following:
Find the bad guy.
They blame each other. Feeling angry and fearful, they attack before they can
be attacked.
Protest polka.
Couples get into a dance in which A reaches out and B steps back. Johnson
points out the dance, and helps the couple to recognise it.
Freeze and flee. Both
A and B step back, feeling numb and distant from the other. This usually occurs
after some time has been devoted to finding the bad guy, and the protest polka.
2 Raw Spots
This refers to the wounds we feel when we’ve felt abandoned
or criticised. They will often come from things that have happened to us in our
past, and may be compounded by our current relationship, and crises in our
lives. We need to acknowledge and soothe each other’s raw spots. We can tell a
raw spot has been activated if the emotional tone of a conversation suddenly
changes, and we feel like we, or our partner, may have reacted out of
proportion. It’s as though an alarm goes off. Our body responds, putting us in
survival mode, our intellect tries to work out what’s happening (am I safe?),
and we react … If we’re angry, we may approach and fight, if we’re ashamed, we
withdraw and hide, if we’re afraid, we flee or freeze or attack, and if we’re
sad, we grieve and let go. Johnson encourages us to find and acknowledge the
source of our raw spots, and to be open with our partner about our
vulnerabilities.
3 Rocky Moment
This is about realising that your partner’s negative
reactions, especially during conflict, may well be a desperate attempt to deal
with their attachment fears. Johnson urges couples to de-escalate conflict to
create emotional safety together. She suggests we stop the right/wrong game,
and begin sentences with We rather than I/You. It’s important for us to stop
blaming the other, to take responsibility for our own feelings and to ask our partner about
theirs.
4 Hold Me Tight
What am I most afraid
of?
Try to order, distil and share your experience so that it’s not
so scary.
What do I most need
from you?
Tell your partner. Be honest. Be able to know that you long
for connection, and that you fear losing your partner. You want reassurance
and comfort, and that’s okay.
Emotional connection reduces stress hormones like cortisol,
and Johnson believes that each time a couple creates a moment of real
connection, the bond between them grows.
Increased emotional bonding
5 Forgiving Injuries
Being hurt by those we rely on to protect us makes the
trauma particularly hard to handle.
If one partner feels abandoned, they may try to ignore or
bury the injury, but it doesn’t go away. Johnson stresses that these injuries
have to be confronted and processed together through a healing conversation
designed to promote forgiveness and reintroduce trust.
If A has hurt B, B expresses the pain they’ve felt, and A
acknowledges the pain and their part in it. A expresses regret and remorse for
the hurt caused. B asks for what they need to get over the hurt and pain.
Together A and B create a new story that captures the injuring event, and
describes how they confronted the trauma together and healed it.
6 Bonding – Sex and Touch
Sex is often the first casualty if a relationship is
faltering. It’s worth noting that touch both arouses and soothes – it’s about
both sex and attachment. The couple may be having sealed-off sex, which is all about the act, performance, prowess
and has little feeling. They may be having solace
sex, which is based on anxiety, a desperate attempt to feel close. Johnson
helps couples to get to synchrony sex,
when they’re in physical and emotional harmony, able to ask for what they want,
both sexually and in the relationship in general. They can soothe and comfort
one another.
7 Keeping Love Alive
Johnson advocates regular ARE conversations. Couples need to
agree how to get out of the dangerous areas that lead to demon dialogues, and
to celebrate moments of connection when they occur. She suggests they create
rituals around parting and being reunited, and share their dreams with one
another, while forming a new model of being together. It’s helpful to separate
attachment issues from practical problems that need to be resolved so that the
practical stuff can bediscussed without attachment needs getting in the way.
It seems to me that Hold
Me Tight offers a sound structure to help couples find, and keep, emotional
connection. I use some of Johnson’s ideas in my couples work, and I have seen
how they can help. With a bit of understanding and insight, we can ensure that
our relationships mutually nurture and nourish us, rather than causing us pain.
Her quote from Leonard Cohen says it all:
Dance me to your beauty
with a burning violin
Dance me through the panic
till I’m gathered safely in
Lift me like an olive branch
and be my homeward dove
Dance me to the end of love
